Sun Sailor 2 for 1 Column
I also write a monthly column for the Sun Sailor called "2 for 1". Each month I answer a question and have someone in the community write their views on it also.
The column is posted in the Excelsior Shorewood Sun Sailor and will also be here monthly.
Sun Sailor July 2009
Natalie: Let me start by saying that if you have to ask, you aren't experiencing true love now nor have you ever.
Truly falling in love with someone leaves its mark in a big way. There is no questioning its arrival. You wouldn't confuse a head on collision while going 70 mph with a minor bump on the fender moving through a drive thru. That collision can happen fast or it can happen in slow motion, but you will know when it happens. You are forever changed by it.
Instead of two cars colliding, it's a collision of two souls, which creates a connection that becomes timeless and effortless. When apart she can still feel what he feels, he wakes up in the early morning hours feeling her presence, as if she was there. Time and distance have no affect on this kind of connection.
You finally understand what it means to be selfless instead of selfish. Your eyes meet and nothing needs to be said that you don't already instantly know. He makes you feel safe, she brings a joy that you miss when she isn't around.
You know things about each other. She knows just how soft the hair at the back of his neck is, because she always loved to twirl her fingers in it. He knows just how to calm her down and makes sure she sits at the end of the table for dinner because she's left-handed.
This is a love that can survive many changes. The thing about true love is that the connection will always be there. Water might take on different forms, but it's still water, whether it's ice, steam or liquid. The same goes for this kind of love, the way it manifests itself may change over time but it doesn't mean it isn't real or still there.
This doesn't mean everything is perfect and there are no annoyances. Even though there are things he does that just make you crazy, you are still crazy about him because you love all of him. Even though she is impulsive and wants what she wants how she wants it, she makes you feel alive.
Do you love him for who he is, and as he is? Do you love her with the same acceptance and admiration? If so, I would say you have true love. Cherish it, protect it and most of all know it.
Brad: If you want to know if you are truly in love you need to give some thought to what the word means to you.
If love is an intense liking and you get the same feeling looking at that special someone as you get looking at a hot fudge sundae, you might have puppy love. Then there is the unreasoning love called infatuation. If you are obsessed with someone the way a hormone-crazed teenager is obsessed with Megan Fox, then you could be in lust.
Then there is the kind of love that comes with experience and maturity. When you can put aside your own immediate gratification in order to nurture another person's happiness, you will begin to understand the enduring and selfless nature of true love. It is a certainty of commitment beyond a week, month or year. When you can say I commit myself for life to this person, and I will do whatever it takes to nurture their hopes and dreams, you are in love.
In any case, love is like life, you should embrace it in all of its forms. If you haven't already, you will most surely experience many crushes and infatuations, with their attendant joys and heartaches. Learn from them so that you will be ready for the real deal when it comes.
Can Married People Have Friends of the Opposite Sex?
Sun Sailor May 2009
Pictured: Lana Schneider, Natalie Hagemo
Each month former Mrs. Excelsior Natalie Hagemo and a guest will provide answers to a selected question. Joining Hagemo this month is her sister Lana Schneider of Excelsior.
This month's question: Can married men and women have friends of the opposite sex?
Hagemo: This is like asking, "Is it safe to sleep with your doors unlocked?"
I would have to know what kind of neighborhood you lived in. Is there a problem with crime in the area? In some neighborhoods you can, in others you're likely to wake up with a masked man rifling through your underwear drawer, while your dog stands there wagging his tail at his new friend.
It all comes down to security. How secure are you in your relationship? Speaking from my viewpoint my answer is yes. One of my oldest and closest friends is a man. Is my husband Brad threatened by this or any other male friend of mine? Heck no, and do you know why? Because he is secure in our relationship.
My husband works with many women whom he is friends with. They don't spend much time together outside of work, but they do spend a fair amount of time together and are friendly. I couldn't care less, and do you know why? Because I keep him so happy in his own home that he has no reason to ever want to leave the yard, if you know what I mean.
Married people should spend less time worrying about potential marital break-ins and put that energy toward nurturing their relationship with their spouse. If you have a solid foundation together no one can break it, friend or otherwise.
I feel strongly that each couple needs to discuss and agree upon some ground rules when it comes to friends of the opposite sex. What one couple agrees to may not work for another. It's not an issue that is one size fits all.
Schneider: When I was in my early 20s I was the biggest flirt. In fact a man once told me that if you looked up "flirt" in the dictionary, my face would be there. I thought I was just having fun. Now that I'm older, wiser and married, I have a very different view toward male-female relationships.
I've found a good, realistic balance with guidelines for my husband and I to follow. Both my husband and I have acquaintances of the opposite sex. The question here is "Can married men and women have friends of the opposite sex?" My answer is yes, with a few guidelines.
Always be sure to speak positively about your marriage at work or with friends. This wards off any potential intruders. My husband does this all the time and I love it.
If you get the slightest feeling that someone may have a crush on you, run. That is a recipe for disaster.
If you are friends with the opposite sex and you are meeting each other for lunch to catch up, exercise or whatever, always make sure your spouse knows, and is OK with it. If your spouse has any problem with your relationship with that person, even if your spouse is being crazy, you should not be visiting with that person.
If you find that you develop a crush, big or small, on a coworker, fitness instructor or anyone else, cut it off. I know of a person who developed a crush on her yoga instructor and had to stop going to class, because it was the right thing to do.
Personally, I don't become friends with anyone of the opposite sex unless they are willing to befriend my husband also. I think it's a waste of time and poor judgment to do so. If you do, you're either genuinely naive or up to no good.
Should Parents Police their
Kids on Facebook?
Sun Sailor April 2009
Each month former Mrs. Excelsior Natalie Hagemo and a guest will provide answers to a selected question. Joining Hagemo this month is her daughter Kelsey LaFreniere, a sophomore at Minnetonka High School.
This month's question: Should parents be linked to their children through social network websites like Facebook?
Hagemo: Just today I was on my 16-year-old daughter Kelsey's Facebook page looking at pictures she posted, and requesting that she remove one of them, as it was inappropriate.
Growing up I didn't have the Internet or digital photos. When I was in high school I was at a sleepover, one of my girlfriends took a picture of me while I was sleeping that showed part of my butt. The photo made it into the hands of the wrestling team. I was embarrassed but I got a hold of the photo and destroyed it, and made her destroy the negative, end of story.
Today these photos can be posted on the Internet not just for friends to see, but potential employers or future spouses to see also. I've been shocked by some of the photos or comments I've seen teenagers leaving on Facebook. The worst offenders are the kids whose parents are not connected to their Facebook account.
Now having said that I must also point out that my daughter sometimes complains about what I post on my Facebook page, referring to it as "inappropriate." She didn't like it when I posted a picture of myself during a strip fitness class, or when pictures of my sister and I riding a mechanical bull showed up. Apparently I "embarrass her endlessly."
You should also know that my mother is connected to both my and Kelsey's Facebook pages, and don't think she hasn't commented on some of my pictures or things she has seen. If I don't catch a Facebook transgression of Kelsey's, I get a phone call from my mother about how I should be more on top of what my kid's are doing on the internet.
Not being connected to your teen's Facebook or social networking page is like having a party with no adult supervision. Do I trust my daughter? Yes I do, but I also remember how a 16-year-old mind works, and she needs to know there are boundaries. And like the border patrol, I'm right there at the wall watching to see if she tries to cross it.
LaFreniere: Absolutely not! As if parents aren't embarrassing enough in real life, now you've got them commenting on statuses and pictures, telling you not to swear, and that your profile picture is "inappropriate."
I'm sorry, but just because you didn't have Facebook or MySpace in the 1700s when you were born doesn't mean you get to use it now. Especially when you have a perfect child, like myself, who never does anything wrong.
Cyber stalking your kid isn't going to keep them from making mistakes in life. Some parents are too overprotective; the ones that call every 15 minutes just to "see what you're up to," also known as making sure you're not doing lines off the washing machine.
Then there are the parents that let their kids do whatever they want, like "yeah sure, Susie, you can have a slumber party with the football team, just don't get knocked up or you're paying for it!" Parents need to find a balance, a balance that can't be found on the internet.
But above all, the worst part of having your parents connected to your Facebook account is when they ask you how it works. Like really, I know when you grew up they didn't have electricity, but don't be such a noob (new person), if you're going to be on a site for teenagers, figure it out the way we do, Google it.
Having parents on your social networking page is like going to prom with your dad. So parents, it's time to cut the umbilical cord and let your kids breathe on their own. It's inevitable that we're going to make mistakes, but keeping tabs on our every post does nothing but embarrass us.
Thoughts? Opinions? Hagemo can be reached through her website, www.nataliehagemo.com.